Blonde Ambition

I called in yesterday to my full time job. I was going to go in, but when I went to leave, the roads were pretty much a sheet of ice. I hate driving in the ice.

As I skidded to a stop at the stop sign, I thought about the articles that were waiting for me to write. I thought about how much more enjoyable it would be to turn around and go back home. I could sit in front of the computer with my dog at my side, and I could write, write, write.

So I did.

And it was worth it. I had a pretty productive day. I wrote five articles yesterday, and I took a nap.

I could get used to that.

Since I was downsized from my part time job, I have realized how much I could get used to the writing life. I’m not quite where I want to be with it, but I’m slowly inching my way there.

I’ve also had personal issues come up where it would come in handy to be able to work from home. So it is definitely something worth considering for the near future.

Every once in awhile, if you listen with your heart, I think you can hear the Universe talking to you.

Thirteen years ago, I started dating a man that I loved deeply. We had dated before, but due to circumstances beyond our control, it didn’t work out. A couple years after that, we were given another chance to make it work.

I ended up pregnant immediately.

I’ll admit, at first it was an “Oh, sh*t” moment. But I soon realized that it was the Universe telling me, “Here…don’t screw this up”. Even though we are no longer married, he is still a wonderful father and I know I am lucky to have had children with him.

Now, thirteen years later, the Universe has once again spoken.

I have been wishy-washy about quitting my part time job to see what I can do with my writing. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but have dragged my feet on. I have multiple resources available to me, and several people telling me that I can do it and be successful. But still I hesitated.

Until this week.

This week, I found out that they will be closing the doors to my part time job in less than two weeks. So my choices are to either find another part time job to fill the financial void, or actually follow my heart and start writing.

I’m going to follow my heart. I’m also going to listen with my heart…because if I’m quiet enough, I can hear the Universe telling me in that mysterious way…

“Here, don’t screw it up.”

A very good friend of mine decided this weekend that she is giving her notice on her job so she can get started on her career. Her writing career.

Sigh…why can’t that be me?

Oh wait! It can be me. I just have to make the decision to do it. I’ll be honest. I’m not ready to go full-time with it yet.

But quitting my part-time job to write in the evenings is so close it has me salivating. I talked to my SO tonight (thanks for the lead-in, Rissa). He said it was my choice.

When I asked if he would support me, he said, “What do you mean?”

You gotta love him. He thought I meant support as in, “You pay for everything while I sit on my ass all day and type.” He doesn’t realize that writers can make money.

That’s my fault, I guess. I have told him about my writing gigs so far where I don’t really make a lot of money.

I clarified that by support I meant emotional support…a cheerleader. Rah! Rah! Rah!

That, he can do.

I am going to wait until after Christmas to give my notice…I think…if I can hold out that long. I keep telling myself the extra money would come in handy for Christmas. And I would still like to sell an article to a magazine first so I feel validated in quitting.

But I officially have his support, so the rest is up to me now.

Crikey.

I mean…really, really nice. Sheesh.

He bought me a new car to drive. Now I ask you…how could I tell him I wanted to quit my part time job after he went and did that? It would seem so…ungrateful.

And it wasn’t just that he did that. He also put buying his new truck on hold so I could have this one, which is a much better and safer winter car than what I was driving.

I know there’s some women out there who think they have the best, but I’m telling you…you just don’t get any better than my guy.

So, this is what I’ve decided to do. I’m going to keep writing, as much as I can, in my spare time. I’m going to make as much money as I can, in addition to working my two jobs. I’m also going to get at least one magazine article published…preferably a good paying article. Then I will present him with a fact-filled, “this is just a sample of what I can make”, presentation and go from there.

Besides, if I can hold on until the end of the year, it will just be that much more money I’ll have for Christmas.

I have made a momentous decision. Well, it’s actually a prelude decision to the momentous decision.

I am going to talk to my significant other this weekend about quitting my part time job to write. After giving it a lot of thought, I have decided that this would make me extremely happy. I’ll still have my full-time job for insurance (for now), but by quitting my part-time job, I’ll have those few hours in the evening to devote to writing in the comfort of my home.

I just need to convince him to give me his support. I love him very much. I know he loves me. But, he doesn’t “get” the whole writing thing. To him, it’s a hobby. It’s not a money maker.

I realized that if I were single, I would have quit already. I am notorious in my family for jumping into things with barely a toe test. Now, when it’s something that is important to me, I end up dragging my feet.

Why?

But I’m determined now. And when determination kicks in, I will bulldoze my way to get to what I want.

Poor thing…he doesn’t even know it’s coming.

I can feel a depression coming on. I think I’ve been heading that way for awhile now. I get like that every once in awhile. I don’t know what causes it and I don’t know how to stop it.

I usually just ride it out…miserably.

I can tell I’m heading there because one of the first signs is my anti-social behavior. There are only a select few that I want to be around. I don’t want people stopping by my desk to chit chat. Idle conversation irritates me. I want to be invisible to almost everyone around me.

Another sign is the headaches. I have had a headache now for a week and a half. OTC medication just dulls the pain and makes it tolerable for a little while. Then it comes back full force…enough to drive me to my knees.

Yet another sign is my inability to function. I find myself getting further and further behind at work because I lack the motivation to do what needs to be done.

It’s going to make it hard to focus on what I need to as far as my goals go. I have a hard time writing when I feel this way.

I can see all the signs…but I have not figured out how to stop it.

How do you get a handle on depression?

Yesterday was one of those days that felt like somebody was out to get me. I didn’t know what direction the next blast would be coming from…but I knew it was coming. I couldn’t even write about it yesterday…I had to give myself a full day of distance to talk about it.

It started out with waking up and finding out my checking account was overdrawn. It ended with a 14+ hour workday, a wet driver’s seat and an almost dead battery.

Don’t ask.

It’s tough to make me cry. I don’t like to cry…my eyes get all red and my face gets blotchy. I’m not one of those attractive cryers. But yesterday damn near brought me to tears a couple times.

It turns out I have PMS. I’m not saying that’s why my Monday sucked. But I certainly don’t think it helped my reaction to the suckiness.

I’m sure someone somewhere reading this is thinking that PMS isn’t a real affliction. To those people I say…bite me.

I’m also sure there are some women who are reading this who don’t suffer from PMS.

Well, aren’t you just oh-so-special?

I suffer from it. I never know what form it’s going to take either…will I be weepy, crying over a stupid commercial? Or will I turn into a psychotic bitch from hell? Or better yet…a lovely combination of the two?

Oh, joyous times are had by all when that happens.

If you’re interested, I wrote a PMS survival guide for men a while ago.

I thought it was funny.

Wow, Autumn already. Today officially marks the first day of fall. The Autumnal Equinox marks a balance — where the days and nights are just about the same length.

I could use a little balance in my life. Lately I’ve had a constant sense of feelling off kilter just a little bit. I’m not sure what’s causing it. Maybe I’m afraid to delve too deep into the cause.

What you don’t know…blah, blah blah.

Anyway…

I’m not sure how I feel about fall being here already. Normally I love fall. The beauty of the changing colors, the crisp scent of the air, the maddening desire to bake apple crisp…I usually love all that.

But for some reason, this year I’ve been hoping that autumn would hold off just a little while longer.

Maybe it’s because here in Indiana, we had a late start to summer. I remember still being bundled up in warmer clothes towards the end of May. We didn’t get our pool set up until sometime in June. It seems like summer barely poked her head in the door before taking off again.

I know I’ll adjust. I’ll eventually slip out of this funk I’m in and embrace the coming of fall like I usually do. It just may take a little longer than I’d like.

Maybe a good batch of apple crisp will do the trick.

I love the weekend. I always have. It’s the perfect opportunity to do whatever you want, whenever you want. It is also the perfect opportunity to be lazy. I love being lazy…I’m so good at it.

I hate when there’s something I have to do on the weekend. I only get two days here. I don’t want to muck it up by having a schedule I need to adhere to. Schedules are for Monday through Friday, not for weekends.

This weekend, I have nothing planned. Just two whole days of absolute nothing-ness. I may have to run to the grocery store for food, though. It depends on how creative I can get with what we have here in the house. If it was just me living here, I could survive on Ramen noodles and be perfectly happy. But I have a man with a man-sized appetite. Meat and potatoes, all the way.

I hate shopping. I may be one the the very few women on this earth who hate shopping. Any kind of shopping. The only time I don’t mind shopping is when I have the money to do it. That doesn’t happen very often. I suck with money.

But anyway, at least for the right now, I have nothing planned and no schedule. Sigh…there’s just nothing better for a Saturday, except maybe a nap.

Yeah…a nap sounds really good right now. I told you I was good at being lazy.